I’m working on a script for a conflict situation, using the approach from Marshall Rosenberg’s excellent book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life. I’ve found the book very helpful in the past to deal with conflicts that had me at a complete loss. We don’t learn how to handle conflict well in our society. There’s a lot of judgement, which Rosenberg calls a form of violence. I wouldn’t go that far, but I agree that communicating without judgement gets you further. Rosenberg encourages us to express our feelings. That can be scary if you feel emotionally unsafe, and may not always be safe. But I've found that preparing a script helps to determine whether the situation can be resolved, or whether you need to accept things as they are. There’s a lot of power in vulnerability, and it can bring people closer when you share your honest feelings. There’s a four-step process. It begins with describing your observations of what is troubling you, like a reporter giving the facts and being specific. They are your perceptions, but without judgement. For example, “I was here at noon when I understood that we had agreed to meet, and waited for a half hour before you arrived.” Not: “You’re always late! This is the tenth time!”, or another approach, Stony Silence. The second step is to share your feelings that arose from what you observed. It's important that the feelings are pure emotions, not interpretations of what others did to you. Instead of saying you felt “abandoned” or “rejected,” you might say you felt “hurt” or “anguished.” Because we are not very good as a society at expressing or sometimes even noticing our emotions, it's helpful that a long list of feeling words is provided (p. 44-46). In the example, “I felt frustrated, angry and lonely” could be shared, rather than: “I hate how you always make me wait. You make me feel so angry!” We are responsible for our feelings, not the other person. The third step is to outline your needs that were not met in the experience. These are common human needs that everyone can have, so even the most hardened person on the other side of the table may relate to them. Another useful list is provided (p. 54-55). In the example, the unmet needs may be for consideration and respect. The final step is to share a request of the other person. It is always a request, never a demand. Demands, like to apologize, never solve conflict, but build resentment. In the example, a request might be, “Would you be willing to meet me at our agreed-upon time, when we next meet?” Everyone is free to answer in the way that they choose, but you have done your part, even if the answer is not what you wanted. You also need to listen, really listen to the other person, another skill that is discussed in the book and also in short supply. Where do we get taught how to listen? Even people who are paid to listen aren’t always very good at it! So we can be kind to ourselves and forgive ourselves for lapses. When communication opens up, it’s wonderful how people see each other as human beings instead of adversaries, and new solutions are found that serve both parties. Most people don't really want to hurt another person, and hearing that they did often softens them. The person who was often late may offer another meeting place or time that is more manageable. People who were at odds, even enemies, can become friends. I found most moving the account of when Rosenberg was delivering a workshop and someone heckled him, “Murderer!” Others joined in, adding “Assassin!” and “Child-killer!” to the name-calling. He was speaking with about 170 Palestinian Muslim men at a refugee camp in Bethlehem. By focusing his attention on what the first heckler was feeling and needing, he was able to defuse the situation. He asked, “Are you angry because you would like my (American) government to use its resources differently?” The man agreed and shared more of what he was angry about. Rosenberg replied, “So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?” The conversation went back and forth for over twenty minutes, while Rosenberg simply reflected back what he understood of the man’s feelings and needs, actively listening. “I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me. / Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner” (pp. 12-14). The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method has been used to defuse violent situations and simmering conflict in prisons, with police work, in organizations, in relationships. And because of that, the world is a kinder, warmer place. - Irene Plett Details: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2003, PuddleDancer Press, ISBN 1892005034, second edition) Topics: Nonviolent Communication, conflict resolution, feelings, needs, Marshall Rosenberg
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WriterIrene Plett is a writer, poet and animal lover living in South Surrey, British Columbia, Canada. Categories
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